"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny [John William] Carson (1925 - )

"Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard."
- Johnny [John William] Carson (1925 - )

"The closest sound to Roseanne Barr's singing the national Anthem was my cat being neutered."
- Johnny [John William] Carson (1925 - )

"The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars."
- Johnny [John William] Carson (1925 - )

"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
- Johnny [John William] Carson (1925 - )

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny [John William] Carson (1925 - )

"People will pay more to be entertained than educated."
- Johnny [John William] Carson (1925 - )