"If you live to be one hundred you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

"It was easy enough to make Al Jolson happy at home. You just had to cheer him for breakfast, applaud wildly for lunch and give him a standing ovation for dinner."
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

"You know you might be getting old when your favorite section of the newspaper is '50 Years Ago Today'."
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

"I was brought up to respect my elders and now I don't have to respect anybody."
- George Burns (1896-1996)