"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

"A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

"A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

"Crisis is a word used in advertising circles to refer to any incident to which the word emergency cannot be applied."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college and got my tuition fees back."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people that annoy me."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

"If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)