"He looks like he swallowed a St. Bernard and left the tail hanging out."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

"Diplomacy -- the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock."
- Woody Allen (1935 - )

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
- Woody Allen (1935 - )

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . . . I want to achieve it through not dying."
- Woody Allen (1935 - )

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'."
- Woody Allen (1935 - )

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
- Woody Allen (1935 - )

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
- Woody Allen (1935 - )

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought- particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
- Woody Allen (1935 - )