The job requirements of a film critic appear straightforward: Must be well-versed and passionate about films and cinema history; must sit in the dark for interminable hours without bathroom breaks; and, whenever possible, if worth his/her weight in popcorn salt, must compose a critique that is blithely scathing and potentially career-busting. You be the judge:

"The dialogue is stupid, the characters insufficiently developed to rank as clichés, the story incohesive... Hitchcock's direction has never been so tired, so devoid even of attempts at sardonic realism... it is the worst thriller of his that I can remember."
- Critic Stanley Kaufmann, The New Republic review of The Birds (1963)

"It is a cheap piece of bald-faced slapstick that treats the hideous depredations of that sleazy, moronic pair as though they were as full of fun and frolic as the jazz-age cut-ups in Thoroughly Modern Millie."
- Critic Bosley Crowther, New York Times review of Bonnie and Clyde (1967)

"An abysmally stupid, boring and gruesome murder mystery... The only conceivable point of interest are [Bruce] Willis' erotic love scenes with Jane Marsh, and they were probably more interesting for Bruce than they will be for you."
- Critic Bob Fenster, Arizona Republic review of Color of Night (1994)

"Remember how Cannonball Run didn't make any sense 'cause you couldn't tell who was winning until the end? Well, it's hard to believe, but in Cannonball II, you cain't even tell at the end. …We start with a few crash-and-burns, then Dom DeLuise comes on so Burt [Reynolds] can twist his nose and insult him and pretty much say, 'Dom, if it wasn't for me you couldn't get a job, could you?'"
- Drive-in critic Joe Bob Briggs, The Dallas Times Herald review of Cannonball Run II (1984)

"Beyond the compelling nocturnal creepiness of its production design and the enervating dramatic bankruptcy of its cruddy urban-vigilante premise, reaction to Brandon Lee's final movie will likely hinge on whether you can suppress winces over a movie that accidentally killed its star during production. This isn't easy..."
- Critic Mike Clark, USA Today review of The Crow (1994)

"After the first half hour you don't expect Dr. Zhivago to breathe and live; you just sit there... It's like watching a gigantic task of stone masonry, executed by unmoved movers. It's not art, it's heavy labor -- which, of course, many people respect more than art."
- Critic Pauline Kael, on Dr. Zhivago (1965)

"I left the theater in a condition bordering on nervous breakdown. I felt as though I had been subjected to an attentat, to an assault, but I had no desire to throw myself in adoration before the two masters who were responsible for the brutalization of sensibility in this remarkable nightmare..."
- Critic Dorothy Thompson, New York Herald Tribune, on Fantasia (1940)

"...No one can doubt [director Steven Spielberg's] emotional attachment to his material. It's just that he has chosen the wrong way to demonstrate it. In effect, he has spoiled his brainchild rotten. Hook is not bratty, which might at least have been fun. It's stuffy, like one of those over-dressed rich kids, standing forlorn in the corner at a party, afraid of ripping his clothes."
- Time. review of Hook (1991)

"The screen overflows with enough brotherhood, piety, and honest labor to make even the kindest spectator retch."
- Newsweek review of Lilies of the Field (1963)

"Mahoganyexists as a hymn to the celebration of how glorious it is to be Diana Ross."
- Critic Rex Reed, on Mahogany (1975)

"...It comes off as wishful projection. These kids would make you think that Freudian analysis was a standard part of the seventh grade curriculum."
- Critic Bruce Williamson, Playboy review of Stand By Me (1986)

"The movie is so completely absorbed in its own problems, its use of color and space, its fanatical devotion to science-fiction detail, that it is somewhere between hypnotic and immensely boring."
- Critic Renata Adler, New York Times review of 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Author: Vicki McClure Davidson

More Behind the Curtains...